“Nocturne op.9 No.2” by Frédéric Chopin. Played by Ohad Ben Ari
The Donna Darkwolf. "The Guardian at The Gate - Between the Dark and The Light". With Orion's Belt pointing the way to Sirius, behind her.
An artwork I was inspired to create from a photo I took of Donna posing with her halo.
The following article, was written by me in response to Donna's request,
that I write out my argument that: "My Trust Cannot be Betrayed",.
This was following a conversation we had had over lunch.
Have you noticed that some people are what they DO.
Yet others are what they believe. Some may even be what they eat. I am what I USE. Others may be what they live and yet others may be what they wish for the world. Fortunately, for people in these states nothing can be taken away from them, except for their lives.
But for people that are made of what they own – and they are many – taking away what they own leaves you with nothing. Nothing, not even a person!
We all USE one another. We have to.
But do we do this properly and with respect.
I Use a carpenter as a Carpenter. I Use an accountant as an Accountant. I Use a mechanic as a Mechanic.
I am at great pains to USE people for what they are good at.
I get USED all the time as a Graphic Designer. Writer. Researcher. Hell, when I was in the Army I got USED as a Sniper and as a Flight Lieutenant on a gunship.
Using me as a plumber, glazier, financial advisor or veterinarian would be disastrous.
Finding Donna Darkwolf, I found a person who was the embodiment of what she DID!
A Spiritual Teacher.
I USED her to teach me. Donna Darkwolf taught me well.
Donna, in return, USED my ability to navigate difficult decisions in combat, under stress, to apply my logic to her own End-of-Life decision.
Chickens come in plastic packets, and women come in nylons.
For the most vulnerable among us – We Are What We Own. The fortunate among us Are What We Do. Very rarely are we What We Dream.
By not being what we dream, and yet wishing to be that thing, we create the fire that urges us on to achieve what ever limited immortality we can in our short existence on this ball of rock.
It is a matter of passing that one will meet many shallow people.
Or they will appear shallow because they do not know how to open up to others.
Either, they think that opening themselves up to others somehow makes them vulnerable and they don’t want to be seen as “sissies”.
Or they believe they will be opening themselves up to exploitation.
There is however a remedy for both types of thinking.
In the first instance: those that think they will be seen as sissies will more often than not be the sort of person who would have the same thought in their heads about you if you opened up to them.
In the second instance, exploitation can only take place in a long term relationship which thrives on psychological and emotional abuse.
The first kind of person is easily dealt with: if their response is that you are a “sissie”, then you need have nothing further to do with them.
Remember that I told you once that that is how I control who I am involved with in anything.
That there are some people who will have to do with out my friendship as a result of their particular beliefs.
I will be civil and courteous out of respect for myself, and that will be seen to be so.
“There is nothing that can rankle a person more than being paid common
civility because the one paying has honor,
and not because there is any kind of honor in the one being paid.”
As for the second kind of person: you will discover if you are being exploited on the first pass. If that occurs, run. People who end up in abusive relationships do so because they did not see the signs, and they are always Victims, anyway.
Exploiters and Victims need each other to fulfill their social roles. And both are capable in the extreme, of manipulation and dissemblement because those are the rules of the game.
The only method of dealing with either of these sorts is not to play according to their rules, but to change the rules, briefly, as the precursor to disengagement.
My opening myself up to others is to filter out immediately, these first two kinds of people because they are the most obvious of the type to take advantage of me.
After that it is a free for all – with my logic in charge of events.
When I loose my head, baby do I loose it! That’s why I also maintain a tight control over what I do.
I lost it once. Some of the pictures I sent you show you what I lost. And that is not to even talk about love.
In response to your: “it is better to not be loved than to be loved and loose it”, might I suggest the following. . .
A publicity promo shot done for Donna's opening Academy of Magick, in Johannesburg.
I later used this photo as the basis for my "Guardian Angel" illustration.
The 'Halo' is one of those circular flourencent lamps that I borrowed off Donna's office desk. Donna is positioned to conceal the cable and the wall plug behind her.
Here’s a joke: “I had a girl once who told me that she would die if I
ever left her.
Well, I left her anyway, and she’s still alive. She lied to me!”
If I was to worry about my love not being returned, I would have died a long time ago. “But I never died”, said he. “I never die”.
In fact, it is probably what has accounted for my phenomenal success rate with the opposite, or unfair sex.
I am in love all the time. I am sometimes alone, but I am never lonely.
Alone, I am enough.
There is an old Portuguese adage:
“O Drao Sao. O Puta sao.
Thieves, like Prostitutes, work Alaone ”
That is the one reason that I live in spite of disappointment. Also, much to the disappointment of others, I might add
In all cultures in the world the woman is represented as the earth and man as the sky. The woman is very earth bound.
She is more earthly than a man, being more pragmatic and practical. That’s why you don’t find great women poets. Or painters or composers.
They don’t fly in the sky as much as men – who adventure more than women do.
Women grip the Earth, their roots go down into it.
The EarthMother from whence all life arises and into which all life sinks.
When men get married they are forced to become practical. Women bring them back down to Earth.
Poets don’t like to be married. They want to remain in love. They don’t want to be cured of that sickness.
The so called great poets are usually childish, immature people. Still living in the fairy land of childhood.
They have no idea of what reality is because they prevent it from penetrating their dreams.
Donna Darkwolf making a point during a TV interview on M-Net. A stunning beauty with a compelling presence and a forth-right voice.
I mention this Donna Carrissima Bella - because it is as true of you as
of any other woman.
You have seen my paintings of a "you" I was imagining, when you were still at Junior school.
My fantasy of you was replaced by the reality of you.
Escaped off my canvas, you have become my 24 hour-a-day Tantric Science Project. LOL!
No longer a figment of my imagination, I have to live with your demands for a chicken curry, or three bars of chocolate, or a waltz around our kitchen.
The imagined eroticism of my art has exploded into a tigress in my bed.
My fantasised battling heroine has materialised into a REAL Battling Heroine, dealing with your Academy admin issues and legal actions against one government department or another.
My fictions were destroyed a long time ago and replaced with nothing.
But you, my Proud Donna Corazón, replaced my fiction with the REALITY of that fiction.
So perhaps some times dreams do come true.
Women are also afraid to fall in love with free men because it is a twenty-four-hour involvement.
And if they are not afraid, they soon enough become resentful of the loss of freedom.
If you want to be cured of love there is no better remedy than marriage – because the mundane 24 hour a day routine has to be just that.
You get to find out all the things about another person that you did not initially wish to know.
This comes from the intimacy of living closely together – all illusions are torn away.
Women live two kinds of life. The at home life, and the going out life.
As a rule, a woman is generally not that much to look at.
But when she goes out! – It is a completely new person you see.
90% of men are SLOBS. They never take care or LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
Men Are What They Are. Care Less.
Women, on the other hand - Many of them - WANT to be seen Beautiful. It is their nature.
Most men just look like the same old piece of shit I stepped over. SLOBS.
They look like that because they have no appreciation of BEAUTY.
Or their own beautiful wife.
When you live with a person 24 hours a day – all the defects become known.
And it takes a lot of strength, wisdom and LOVE to stay in love with the reality, rather than wanting to keep the memory of the fiction you thought was the reality.
This is why so many relationships collapse.
Love has to be strong enough to overcome the defects, frailties etc... that humans are prone to.
I am not talking about the kind of love one sees portrayed in movies or books.
The love in a movie only lasts for 90 minutes – which is about how long it takes me to finally ride that white horse over the hill.
And for most lovers the white horse comes over the hill less and less often.
That is because what they fell in love with was the prospect of riding that white horse.
They never thought about the fact that they may end up waking beside the horse when it needs to be fed,
or perhaps the horse has body odor from natural sweating whilst working – or fucking –
Or that perhaps even that the white horse may want rest sometimes.
Or may even have a mind of it’s own and want to go and play Pool, or do some gardening and drink Jack Daniels.
Thank the gods, that you will never be a "darling", Donna Ragazza.
You are too wise, and too long in the tooth to ever pretend to be a "darling".
These people are not involved with each others lives, apart from the cheerful, happy part. Because they love only themselves.
They cannot stand to have to deal with anything that may make them unhappy, sad angry, despondent etc. And those things will happen.
Real lovers have a much wider spectrum of happiness-to-sadness, than most people because they have reached greater heights and depths than most people.
They may have reached those places in the company of another and grown stronger from that, or they may have been fortunate as I was to have been imbued with the courage and determination to do my very best until the very end.
You can always tell which people are which – if you watch for them.
Being in love means having to be involved and committed – and not being ready to escape at the first sign of trouble.
It is a sacrifice. And many people only find out what kind of sacrifice when they are along way down the road and realise that they do not want to make the sacrifice.
And they change.
And in their change, they blame the other person because they do not want to be wrong themselves.
They do this in spite of the fact that they are GOING TO HAVE TO do it at some time,
And not doing it right the second or third time, or the fifth time, does not let any one off the hook.
At some point they will have to be accountable
And it cannot be something that happened because of the “other person”. It is something that happens in the “ones self”.
Because no matter who one is with, no matter where... involvement and commitment and sacrifice, will have to happen. From one’s self.
You can get divorced from another person – but you cannot divorce your self.
And this is why so many people are so miserable. And drink and take drugs and philander... hoping that that will bring a relief into their lives
The people that you see bailing out of relationships and marriages for “irreconcilable differences”, are using that excuse as a means of covering the fact that they are inept at dealing with life.
Having had the misfortune to see it happen a few times in my life – I am qualified to speak about it with some knowledge.
I disarm people by taking them into my trust completely. I let them know
my innermost thoughts and secrets.
Because once I have done that, there is nothing that they can do against me.
They cannot blackmail me, or hold me to ransom over any secrets because they will soon discover that other people they are talking about me to, already my know these “secrets” – and how can something be a secret when every one knows.
This is why I am never bored. This is why I am more often than not the life-and-soul-of-the-party.
Have you noticed, when you go to a party that there are the entertainers and the entertained, the bored and the boring?
Quite apart from the mad and the maddening?
Observe those people [ before they get too drunk ]. More often than not you can measure them by that behaviour you see there and then in their interaction with others.
The sulks, the bullies, the sluts, the pigs, the too-high-born, the self aggrandizing.
I go out to entertain – not to wait to be entertained. In the same way that I go out to do business, not to wait for some one to do business with me. In the same way that I bring love with me and don’t wait for it to be brought to me.
Think on that what possible damage can any one do to you knowing your so-called “secrets”?
There are two types of secrets.
Can you guess what they are?
They are personal secrets and national secrets.
Your personal secrets are similar to, and in slightly differing aspects, a part of very one else’s secrets in the society you live in. There may be various mixed ratios and different types combinations.
They are secrets that all humans share. the human brain. That is why, comedy, drama, movies TV and film exist. They explore all these secrets.
Then there are national secrets. The ones you go to jail for selling or get killed for trying to avoid jail.
The only secret between these 2 is that of infidelity – which includes aspects of both.
And infidelity arises because of all of the above, and an individual’s inability to deal with real life as opposed to the one that was sold by Hollywood and advertising.
Someone told me I should go into politics. I am a good talker with no regard for the truth.
I am logical, I can be bribed. I am susceptible to women.
I have a vast store of inaccurate knowledge. I smile easily with complete insincerity.
I am in fact ideal for the job, but sadly I am PRINCIPLED. With a strong sense of JUSTICE.
I have been on the verge of greatness for so long I am almost comfortable there.
Perhaps this story will sum up my Leap of Grace...
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